Fullmetal Tales
by Muten Azuki
Summary: We all remember fairy tales from our childhood, but each of us heard different versions. Now I give you Fullmetal Tales. These fairy tales will be loosely related to the originals, but only loosely. This is crack! Flames Welcome!
1. Edsel and grethAl

In a place far from civilization lived a Man, his wife, and his two children. The childrens names were Ed and Al. They were bratty children, always eating their parents food. Eventually the parents began to hate the children for bringing the starvation on them.

One night they laid in bed when the woman asked her husband, "What should we do? We'll die if we don't eat! But they are growing boys and they need the food too."

"They are brats! They eat more food than their bodies could possibly consume! We will die unless we get rid of them! Tomorrow morning I'm going to take them out to the forest and leave them there!" The husband exclaimed.

"They are our children! I could never do that!"

"Then what do you want to do? Dine on rats? I don't!"

The children were up and one of the brothers said to the other, "They are going to get rid of us! You'll starve and I'll rust!"

"Oh shut up and help me reach that pop-tart up there!"  
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That morning the man kicked the two children out of the house. He gave them only one can of Spaghettios, and took them to the forest which was conveniently placed behind their house.

"Stay here and die or what ever. I'm going to go eat." The man said.

The children walked around in the woods eating everything in site. Birds, wood, and rocks. They even ate Ed's old gym socks.  
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was twenty days later when Ed awoke to a noise.

"What was that?!" He yelled.

"It's your stomach."

"What do you mean?"

"It's cause you are starving."

"Well this noise is driving me crazy! Let's go to that house there!"

"What house?"

"The one that we've been staring at for the last ten days!"

The brothers walked up to the house and realised that it was made of cheese and beef and other products from a cow.

"I get the meat! You can have the gross stuff al."

So the brothers began to feast on the home until a woman kicked the door down, and walked outside holding a gardening hoe.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" The evil woman yelled.

"We're eating! Now get lost!" Ed said.

The woman picked up the children and pulled them into her home. She pulled out her waffle iron.

The younger brother asked, "What's your name?"

"Izumi."

"What are you going to do with that iron?"

"Gunna cook ya!"

Ed sprang up from his chair and felled the demon with an anti-climatict blow.

"This is boring. Let's go home!" Ed said.


	2. Edwardstiltskin

There once was a construction worker who was dirt poor. I mean really. He was extremely poor. So poor that he couldn't even buy...back to the story. This poor dude had a daughter though, and she was good looking to boot. For some reason he was given the chance to speak with the Pharaoh, er I mean king.

"My daughter can peel potatoes faster that a pig can say oink!" the poor man said.

"Are you challenging me to a game? I like games! If she can't peel four thousand potatoes by tomorrow morning, then I'll make her play a penalty game."

So the hot chick began to peel potatoes, but began to have teenage angst.

"I'm worthless! Nobody loves me! There is no way that I can peel this many potatoes! I wont even try!" The girl said.

Then out of the blue, a midget appeared.

"Who are you calling so small that they are the ones cast as Rumpelstiltskin in their school play?!" The midget yelled.

"Hey, short guy, could you peel my potatoes for me? I'm much too hot to do it myself."

"First of all what do I get in return, you midget hating chimpanzee?"

"I'll give you my gold necklace."

"I thought your parents were poor. Anyways, I don't need garbage like that!"

"How about my bra?"

"What do you take me for? Roy Mustang!?"

"It's laced..."

"I'll take it!" the midget said while magically peeling every potato in the barrel next to him. "That was so easy!"

"You didn't get all of it. The rest is in the closet."

Eventually the midget finally peeled every potato in the entire building. That morning the Pharaoh came into the room and was amazed, but also slightly saddened.

"I wanted to destroy your mind from the inside, but since I made a bet I guess I can't do that! So, you can peel twice as many potatoes today! Mwhahahaha..." The Pharaoh...king said.

So that night the girl continued to complain about her life, when the midget appeared again.

"I'm not a midget!"

"Hey, your that short dude from yesterday!"

"And your that emo slut from yesterday!"

"Do you want to peel my potatoes today too?"

"What do I get in return?"

"How about my family ring?"

"Useless!"

"My thong?"

"Is it laced?"

"Yeah."

"I'll take it!"

Once again the phar-king was happy but also annoyed!

"When do I get to fry your brain?! You stupid woman!"

"Let me guess. You have even more potatoes for me to peel?" the hot chick said

"How did you know?"

And so the girl once again sat up in the room waiting for the midget to come.

"I'm almost 5 feet tall without my boots and hair!"

"Hey mister garden gnome! Do you want to peel my potatoes?"

"What do you have for me, you midget despising fool?!"

"I don't know. You took all of my underwear!"

"What about your socks?"

"No! These are mine! No one can have them!"

"Fine, fine, fine. When you get knocked up I want your kid."

"Why would you want something that smells and makes noise?"

"If I have a kid people will treat me with more respect!"

So the midget peeled all of the potatoes, and the next day the pharoh was astonished again. He decided that he would marry the chick, because he thought only the most perfect of women could peel that many potatoes. A few months later the woman gave birth to a extremely small baby with big hair. The midget appeared as he had said.

"Pay up, ya skank!"

"No! This is my brat! You can have all of the underwear that you want, but I'm keeping the brat!"

Then the Pharaoh walked up to the midget and said, "How about a game? If we guess your name in the next five to six paragraphs, then we keep the child!"

"Sure, what ever."

The woman guessed first, "Is it munchkin?"

Then the Pharaoh, "Ummm, tiny?"

Then the woman again, "Yugi motou?"

Then the Pharaoh again, "Uhhhh, Shorty?"

Lastly on the sixth paragraph the baby said, "Edwardstiltskin!"

"What the hell! That baby can talk! How did it know?!"

The Pharaoh lifted his hand and yelled, "Mind crush!"

The end


	3. Winrypunzel

Far far back in the very far back distant past, which was very far back lived a man and woman. They had a very rough marriage. They often times split up because the wife, Riza Hawkeye, blamed the husband, Roy Mustang, of cheating on her with other women. One time she even read a piece of fanfiction and began to assume that he was cheating on her with men. One night, when she was especially angry, she ordered him to go out to taco bell to buy her some...tacos. When he got to the taco bell he found out that he didn't have enough money to buy her the grande tacos, so he made a deal with the cashier.

"I'll trade you this chick that I've been cheating with, for those tacos." Roy said.

"What are you a pedophile, that chick looks like she's only a teenager! I'll take her off her hands though."

So Roy traded the girl for his grande tacos, and went on his way.

Many weeks later the cashier stuck the girl in the very top room of his apartment complex. Yes, this taco bell cashier does own his own apartment complex! Back to the story. Since the apartment complex was old, the doors were rusted shut. So the Cashier ordered the girl to let down her wrench. Kinda like this: "Hey b**ch, hey b**ch, let down your amazon wrench!"

One day a brave suit of armour named Al saw the cashier climb up to his room.

"I bet he has kitties up there!" Al said.

The next day while the cashier was working on a holiday, Al went up to the apartment complex.

"Hey...I don't say naughty words..." Al complained, "But I guess I have too this time...Hey b**ch, hey b**ch, let down your amazon wrench! I feel dirty."

So the suit of Armour named Al climbed up to the room and found that there were no kitties, just a chick with a ginormous wrench.

"Hey! Do you want to go out?" Al said.

"Sorry, I can't. I already love some one else." The girl said right before a short man named Edward scooped her up into his arms and ran off.


	4. Little Red Jacket Wearing Midget

Once or twice upon a time lived a young boy who had two automail limbs. This boy only cared for three things: _House, _himself, and lastly his younger brother. One day while the boy was in central, his superior told him to go home and stay away from him. The boy did, but only after stealing some alchohol and cigarettes. He began to frolick through the alleys when a man noticed him becuase of his bright red jacket.

"Fullmetal, It's time for you too meet your judge-" The wolf said.

"Not now!" The boy said while continuing on.

"I guess I'll follow him to his hideout. It's probably swarming with state alchemist to kill!" The wolf said while following the boy.

Eventually the boy reached the house, but began to run back into the alleys. It seemed that the boy had dropped something of value. Now he was going to be out of the wolf's way.

"I'll sneak into the house and kill everyone in it. I'll smear the blood all over the place! And Edward Cullen can't have any of it!" The wolf said, "I'm not a wolf!"

The man snuck into the house by blowing up the front door. He walked up to the armoured brother and ate him.

"I didn't eat him! I blew up the majority of his body and threw him into the dumpster out back!" The man yelled.

Then the man dressed up like the younger brother. He sported a loincloth and...that's it.

Then the older brother who had been searching for his watch entered the house.

"Scar!"

"No. I'm your brother stupid! Don't you see the loincloth?"

"Wow Al, you have skin now."

"The better to feel with"

"How did you get such muscular arms?"

"The better to strangle you with!"

"Cool tattoo!"

"Yeah, I think so too! Wait! I meant, the better to blow you up with!"

And so once again the young boy sprang up and felled the demon with one anticlimatic blow.


	5. The golden Glue

Back in the past before people spoke English and drove hummers, there lived a family. The family consisted of a grandmother, a granddaughter, and two brothers. One day the grandmother wanted some fire wood.

"Winry is a precious little girl so I wont make her cut my fire wood. How about you Alphonse?" Pinako asked

"Cutting trees is like killing them. I don't kill. Ever. Ever!"

"Ed?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Then you don't get any dinner!"

"Fine. I'll cut the damn trees!"

"Here's your bread and drink."

"This is beer!"

"So?"

"I'm not allowed to drink this!"

"You went against alchemical law, but you won't drink a little alcohol? What a baby."

So Ed went out into the forest and found himself standing in front of a passed out Lin Yao.

"Hey stupid. Wake up." Ed said before kicking Lin in the head. Lin woke up and immediately mugged Ed of his food and beer.

"Hey that was mine!"

"So?"

"You owe me!"

"Here's this stuff."

"Glue. I can't eat glue!"

"Yeah you can."

"Even so. How is this equal to food?"

"It's super special awesome chocolaty fudge coated gold glue!"

"Stop quoting littlekuriboh!"

So Ed took the glue and went to the nearest town were he was attacked by viscous fangirls. Somehow they smashed the glue bottle. Ed got covered in it. And the fangirls glomped him. He ran around screaming his head off with a bunch of fangirls attached to him. Then the Fueher came out of his home wearing rubber ducky pajamas. He sliced up the fangirls and began yelling at Ed.

"I'm shouting at you!"

"The narration already said that..."

"I'm trying to sleep and you're screaming like a anime character being attacked by fangirls!"

"Well I was..."

The Fueher kept yelling at Ed and forced him to eat 1000 loafs of bread and drink 500 bottles of beer. Luckily Lin had been following Ed so he could mooch off of him even more. So Lin ate all of the bread and drank all of the beer. The Fueher let Ed go.

"Did I forget something?"

Ed entered the house and was not allowed to eat any food.


	6. An apology

To those of you who cared,

In the previous chapter a member of our elite crew of anime-wreaking censorship team forgot to censor one of Ed's lines. If you or your child have been traumatized by the sight of this wretched word we will send you an apology letter filled with censored goodness. We have fired our failure. He is now working for that wretched company funimation.

Thank you and have a good day,

Mr. Mc4kids


	7. Not so Clever Lin

And they lived happily ever after...or not. What do you mean I skipped the whole story? This is how it starts right? Fine. I'll start over.

Once upon a time there was a guy named Lin. He's dead now. That's why we start out saying 'Once upon a time'. Anyways, Lin mooched off people his entire life. When he was a baby, he mooched off of his mom. When he was a kid he mooched off of his clan. When he was...the point is that he's a leech. After he got tired of mooching off of some midget named Edward Elric, he met an angsty girl named Rose.

"Hey. Have I mooched off of you before?" Lin asked Rose.

"I don't know, but I want you to have this." Rose said while pulling a knife out of her bra.

Lin then went to the hotel which he was staying in. Immediately one of his bodygaurds asked him were he had been.

"So were did you put that knife?" Lanfan asked.

"It's right here." Lin said while handing the knife to Lanfan.

Then Lanfan stabbed Lin.

"How dare you cheat on me!"

"What do you mean, cheat on you?!" Lin said while spewing out blood from his chest.

"We've been dating since we were kids!"

"Who told you that?!"

"This fanfiction..."

And they lived...died happily ever after. Is that better?


	8. The true story behind cinderella

There's a place and time for introductions. Right now is one of them.

So there's a guy named...Alpricne. He's some really pretty prince who is going to hold a ball. From now on we'll call him Al. There's also a really tiny girl who has a crush on Al's older brother.

The day before the ball Al sent out invitations to a bunch of different people. He sent invitations to Mayor Roy and his wife...and Mayor Roy's three girlfriends. He sent a invitation to the serial killer who lives in the sewers under main street. He sent invitations to Ghost Hughes and his family. He sent invitations to the friendly humonculli (that means none of them were invited). He pretty much sent invitations to everyone.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

The ball had started. The very tiny girl was standing outside playing with her miniature panda when a winged dude came out of nowhere.

"I'm your fairy god-moth...father!" The fairy which looked exactly like Ed said.

"..."

"Hey! Over here! Listen up!"

"Who said that. I can faintly here a squeaking voice."

"Hey! Look out! Hey! Look! Hey!"

"Oh my god! It's navi!"

"I'm your fairy god-father. I'll give you a wish. It'll last until midnight. Now hurry up! I don't get paid by the hour!"

"I want some spinach!"

"Spinach? You actually wished for spinach?! You could have anything. Anything! You could wish to be beautifully or something!"

"But it'd only last until midnight."

"...that's true."

So the midget girl went to the ball and destroyed everything. Alprince was very angry and wanted her to pay for the damage so he began to look for her. The only clues he had was that the culprit had very tiny feet. So he began looking for people who could wear the size 2 shoes.

"Why would I be wearing girls shoes?!" Ed said.

"Because they actually fit you!" Al said.

"Everyone knows that I only wear boots!"

So the prince continued the search.

"Envy!"

"What?"

"You're the culprit!"

"I'd love to say that I was the one who ruined your party, but I was too busy shooting people in phone booths."

Then the prince read the part of the fanfiction that told of the girl destroying everything. So he arrested the girl, had her sent to impel down, and lived happily ever after since he got his insurance checks.


	9. The three little imbeciles

A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, there lived three pigs. Okay. So they weren't really pigs. We just prefer calling them that. One pigs name was Jean Havoc. Another was named Edward Elric. The last pig was named Riza Hawkeye. There was also a wolf. A big bad mean ugly wolf. He was also old. I believe his name was...Roy Mustang?

So one day the wolf came up to the first pig's house. The house was made of straw.

"Hey! Havoc! Let me in!" the wolf said.

"No! Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"

"Fine! Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!" the wolf said while he attempted to blow the house down.

"Hah! You can't do it! Hahahahah!

"...then take this!" the wolf said as he burned the house down.

"Man! What the hell! You steal my girlfriends! You make me work on my days off! You're partially the reason why I am paralyzed, and now you burn my house down! What do you want from me!"

"...I don't know...let me check the script..."

"...what does it say?"

"It says that I eat you...I'd rather not. You're probably high in fat. I'll just burn you to a crisp." And so the Wolf burned the pig until he resembled ham.

Later the wolf walked to a house made of...sticks.

"Hey! Fullmetal! Let me in!" the wolf demanded.

"No! Not by the...steel that's found in my boot!"

"Fine! Then i'll huff and i'll pu-"

"I know you can't blow my house down. Just burn it or whatever."

"Fine" the wolf said as he burned the house to the ground.

"What will I do now? Thanks to you I wont get my 'make a log cabin' badge." the pig said right before the wolf burned him into crispy bacon.

Not much later, the wolf came up to a house made of...brick.

"Hey! Riza! Let me in! I brought flowers!"

"No! Not by the...never mind."

"Then I'll blow your house in!"

"Go ahead. I'd like to see."

"Well I can't. So I'll burn it instead!"

"Go ahead. I'd like you to be jailed up as an arsonist."

"..."

"An arsonist is someone who burns stuff."

"Oh thanks."

So the wolf went home. That's how the story ends, and I'm sticking to it.


	10. Hibernating Fat Man

**Story time! Now sit down and shut up!**

So there's a queen, a king, a sharpie, and a frog. The queen and the king were sad because they were incapable of having children. They thought that babies came from sex. What a bunch of idiots. Babies come from walmart and target. One day when the queen was taking a bath, a perverted frog appeared.

"Hey baby, you wanna have some fun?"

"No."

"I can make all of your dreams come true."

"Really! I want a daughter!"

"Not like that! I meant your sexual desires."

"Ohhh...how much?"

"Five dolla make you holla."

"Too much! I'll give you a dead fly if you give me a daughter."

"Make it two flies and you have a deal!"

So the frog magically impregnated the queen. A year later the child was born. She had to have Cesarean section because the baby was abnormally huge. The king must have been on crack, because he decided to invite all of his friends, all of the fairys of the land, and even Lin. The fairys tried to bless the child, but it ate them, and all of the food.

-Not much later in Rush Valley-

"Hey Winry! I got drunk at a party, and now I don't have my arm. Could you help me out?" Ed said before he was hit in the head by a wrench.

"How could you!?"

"I didn't mean to! Everyone else was doing it so I thought, why not? I'm in the military! I should be able to drink!"

"I don't care about that!"

"I looked all over for it! I swear!"

"The party! Why wasn't I invited?!"

"The queen is one of those fangirls who hate your guts."

Winry then magically teleported to the bedroom of the King and Queen. They were...mid-lemon.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean to come at a time like this!" Winry said as she covered her eyes.

"That's okay. You don't have to watch. We'll be done in a second." the king said as he got back to his lemon.

-after a lemon which lasted about 20 more minutes after winry appeared-

"Are you done yet?" Winry said.

"No...okay, now we are. Did you enjoy the show?" the king asked.

"No."

"So what are you here for?"

"I'm here to curse your daughter and everyone in this castle! HAHAHAHAHAH!" Winry said as she began to become out of character.

"Oh...okay."

"What? You're okay with it?"

"Sure."

"Fine then! Your daughter will fall into a coma when she turns fifteen!"

"Actually, we found out that she is actually a he."

"Oh. Your son will fall into a coma when he turns fifteen!"

-When glutt...the son turned fifteen-

Winry appeared before Gluttony and forced him into a room which had no food. He began to hibernate in order to live without food. Then the beautiful Princess appeared before the closet.

"I wonder what's in this closet?" the princess said as she opened the closet.

Gluttony woke up from his slumber and ate the princess.

~Fin~


	11. The Frog Perv

In olden times when people could go days without bathing, there lived a king whose daughters were all ugly, but the youngest was so ugly that the sun itself, which gets to stare at us all day, was so frightened when it looked at her that it turned into night immediately. Right outside of the king's castle was his lawn. It hadn't been mowed in a few years so it was extremely tall and resembled a forest. Every now and then the ugliest daughter would venture into the forest and sit by the well which hadn't been used in the last thirty years. Sometimes she would bring a razor blade to...play with. This razor blade was her favorite play thing.

One day she dropped the razor in the well. Then she started crying because she was a whine-bag.

Then a frog comforted her by saying, "Shut the hell up! I'm trying to watch tv and you're up here cutting yourself and crying!"

"Oh, it's you. Hohenheim the ugly frog! I dropped my razor in the well."

"Shut up. Every time you talk you sound like a retard with food in their mouth. I'll get your razor, but you'll owe me."

"What do you want? I'll give you my clothes, my jewelry, and even my collection of pirated dvd's!"

"I want a puff puff!"

"A...puff puff?"

"Haven't you ever read dragonball? Stupid ignorant kids..."

"No. I only read yaoi."

"Anyways, I'll get your razor." The frog said as he went under the water and brought the razor back to the surface. Then the girl took it from him and started to run away.

"Hey, what about my puff puff?!"

"I don't know what that is, but I'll tell you my name that way you can go on the internet and search for information about me and someday appear at my house! I'm Russel!"

The next day while Russel was eating his poptarts, a knock was heard at the front door.

"Hey...Russel! Open the door!" a voice said as the girl walked to the door and opened it. As soon as she saw that it was the frog she slammed the door in his face. Then she went back to eating her poptarts.

"Hey! ...What's your name! Who was that?" The king said as he ate his poptart.

"Just some weird frog."

"Is a solicitor?"

"No, just some frog who I promised a puff puff...whatever that is."

The frog continued to knock on the door, "Hey! I want my puff puff!"

"Let him in! I'm tired of all the noise." The king said as Russel opened the front door.

"Awesome! A poptart! Give me." The frog said as he ate the poptart out of Russel's hand.

"But, that was mine..."

"So! Let's go up to your room!" The frog said as he magically pushed Russel up into his room.

"Okay...so what's a puff puff?"

"Take off your shirt!" The frog said as Russel took off his shirt. "Wait...where are the hooters?"

"Hooters?"

"Why are you flat!? Wait a minute...take off your dress!" The frog commanded as Russel took off his dress.

"I haven't had the final operation yet..."

"Holy Crap! You're a dude!" The frog said as he exploded.

The End


	12. The singing bone I used the real name

In a certain civilization where people didn't bathe, there was a horrid beast that was said to kill everything. The king was too big of a wuss and didn't feel like using his army to kill the beast, so he promised to give his daughter to whoever felt like getting themselves killed.

There were two brothers. Yoki and Scar. What? You thought that it would be Ed and Al? Who wants to read about them? Anyways, Yoki was a crafty and selfish man who couldn't do anything for himself, Scar was a big stupid man who blew things up. They both decided that they wanted to be married to the daughter of the king. Yoki wanted to become part of the royal family so he would become rich, and scar wanted to kill her because he thought she was a state alchemist. They separated and went on their way. After a day or two of traveling scar came across an old man. The old man had a black spear in his arm.

"Hey there sonny!" The old man said to scar.

"Ummm...hello?" Scar said while looking around uncomfortably.

"I'm gunna give you this here spear so you can kill that wild beast!"

"First of all, I can blow things up. Secondly how do you know that I'm going to kill the beast. Thirdly...why are you twitching like that?"

"It's because I'm crazy!" The man said as he walked off.

"Okay..." Scar said as he continued his journey.

Not much later, Scar came into contact with the wild beast. It was a rabid fangirl. It ran towards Scar and attempted to glomp him, but Scar blew her up. He picked up the dead body, stuck it in a bag, and continued on his journey.

Yoki was at a bar. Drinking. Beer. He saw scar walking by and called to him. The two brothers drank beer and bought cheap hookers until it was nighttime. Scar and Yoki then began to walk towards the town. It wasn't much later that the two brothers came to a bridge.

"You go first. I'm scared of bridges!" Yoki said. Scar began to cross the bridge and Yoki ran up behind Scar and pointed a gun to his head.

"You backstabbing-"

"Back shooting..."

"This is madness!" Scar said loudly.

"Madness? No, THIS IS SPARTA!" Yoki said as he capped Scar. Yoki then took his brother under the bridge, drew a moustache on him and buried him there. Yoki then went to the village, got married to the daughter of the king and became wealthy. A few years later Scar's body was found under the bridge. Apparently a troll wanted to rent the bridge. After the king heard of the incident he had Yoki hanged.

The End.

**Okay, so this chapter didn't turn out like I wanted, but...**

**From now on I will insert a movie quote into every Fullmetal Tales chapter. Everyone should have been able to recognize this chapters quote.**


	13. Roy is White and The seven Homonculus

**Roy is white and the Seven Homunculus**

Once upon a time in the middle of a blizzard, a queen sat at a window writing yaio fanfiction. While she was writing she looked out the window and accidentally stabbed herself with her pen. Her finger began gushing blood all over the place, and the blood looked beautiful. The queen thought to herself, "OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DIE! I'M GOING TO DIE! But before I die I should think of something really important. I know! If I have a daughter I'll name her Snow White!"

A few minutes later the queen popped out a baby son, who was really white, liked anything that burned red, and had really dark hair.

"You're a boy! I can't name you Snow White...how about Snow Roy White? Yeah that'll do!" The queen said as she died.

After a year the king married another woman. She was a beautiful woman, but proud and fairly fat, and she hated anyone who was more beautiful or fatter than her. She owned a magical mirror.

Pretty much every morning she would stand in front of it and say, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest and fattest of all?"

And the mirror would say, "Yo foo, you is definitely da hottest ting a've eva seen!" Then she felt satisfied because she knew that it was telling the truth.

But Roy was growing up, and as everyone knows, growing boys need plenty of food. Roy would eat and eat and eat until his belt would burst and he would be incapable of walking. One day the Queen walked up to the mirror and said, "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest and fattest of all?"

The mirror answered, "Daaaaaamn yo iz da hottest ting eva, but...pfff...hahaha..."

"What's so funny? Tell me! I like a joke as well as the next fat person!"

"But yo son in law be gettin fatter din you."

The queen began to fume. From then on, every time she looked at Roy and his chubs, she would begin to turn red in the face. One day when she heard that Roy had gained another two pounds, she lost it. She called the local serial killer.

"So, who do you want me to chop up?" Barry said while laughing hysterically.

"My son in law. I want you to take him out to the forest, chop him up, and bring back all of his sweets to me!"

So Barry took Roy out into the forest and attempted to chop him up, but realised that Roy was so fat that his cleaver bounced off of him.

"Ummm...I'll let you live, but you have to give me all of your sweets." Barry said as he stole the food from Roy and left him for dead. Barry went back to the queen and watched her eat all of the chocolates.

Roy somehow walked through the forest and found a cottage. Everything in the cottage was extremely small. There was a table with a white cover, seven little plates, seven sets of little silverware, and seven little mugs. There were seven little beds along the wall of the home. Roy began eating and drinking everything in the refrigerator. Then he went to sleep in one of the beds.

When it was quite dark the owners of the cottage came back. They were seven homunculus. They went into the home and realised that something was wrong.

The first humonculus named Pride said, "Who has been sitting in my chair!? I'm the only one worthy of sitting in it!"

The second homunculus named Gluttony said, "Who's been eating my food?"

The third humonculus named Greed said, "Who's been eating my bread? If they eat my bread, then I no longer have it!"

The fourth homunculus named Lust said, "Who has been eating my vegetables? Without them I will grow unhealthy, and with an unhealthy body I'll have an ugly body!"

The fifth humonculus named Envy said, "Who's been using your fork? I wanted to use it!"

The sixth homunculus named Wrath said, "Who the hell's been using my sword as a butter knife!?"

The seventh humonculus named Sloth said, "...too much effort."

Then Sloth realised that someone had been sleeping in his bed, "...person...in...bed..."

The other homunculus walked up to the bed.

"Ewww...they're huge body makes them so hideous that I can't look at them!" Lust said as she shielded her eyes. The homunculus decided to let Roy stay asleep and shielded their eyes all night long.

When it was morning Roy woke up and saw the humonculus. The humonculus asked him his name.

"It's...Roy..."

"Why are you in are house?" The homunculus asked.

"My step-mother wanted to kill me, so I came here. Why is everything in here so small?"

"We stole it from a bunch of midgets...I think their names were Ed, Yoda, Krillen, Yugi, and some others that weren't that memorable." Envy said.

"Let's make a deal, If you clean our house for the rest of your life we will let you live."

"...okay!" Roy said as he watched the homunculus walk off into the city where they were going to kill people.

The queen had believed that Roy had been killed so she walked up the mirror and asked, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest and fattest of all?"

"Ove course yo iz da hawtest ting ave eva seen, but yo son in law iz still fatter din you."

"I thought he was dead!"

"Nope, he be livin up by dem homunculus."

So the queen dressed up like a peasant and walked off towards the house. She began shouting, "Matches and firewood! Matches and firewood! Very cheap!" Roy immediately opened the door and ran up to the queen.

"I want some! I want some! I like fire!" Roy said as he pulled out a few shinny shillings. The queen gave Roy the firewood and lit him on fire. As soon as the queen thought that Roy was dead she ran home.

The seven homunculus got home, and were shocked to see their house in a mess. "Why is our house so messy? You were supposed to clean it!" The homunculus said as they dumped water on Roy.

The queen asked the mirror once again, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest and fattest of all?"

"Mmmm...If I say dat yo son in law iz still da fattest will you leave?"

The queen immediately went out to the forest and tried to sell Roy poisoned cake. When she got home she asked the mirror once again, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest and fattest of all?"

"Yo son in law spit up da cake, he's still da fattest."

The queen took a poisoned apple up to the cottage house. She then gave one to Roy, who ate it without hesitation. Roy then fell to the floor and...died.

"YES! I WIN! I WIN! TAKE THAT YOU OVERLY HUGE HIPPO!" The queen said as she ran home and asked the mirror, "Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest and fattest of all?"

"Well you iz definitely da hottest, and daaaaaaaaamn, yo got such a big ass! Yo definitely take da cake!"

The humonculus came home and tried to wake Roy, but realised that he was dead.

"Let's hang him up like a trophy!" Pride said. So Roy was pinned up to the wall where all could see.

THE END!

**The last qoute was from 300. Let's see who spots where the qoute is from this time. The first person to name the movie gets to decide the next qoute.**


	14. Rip Van Mustang

"BAM! BOOM! SKABOOSH!" random onomatopoeia's ran across the room screaming their heads off as Roy ducked for cover from his wife...Armstrrong...NO! NOT HAWKEYE!

"The art of punishing my lazy husband has been passed down through the Armstrong family for generations!" Armstrong said out loud as he tore his apron off and began throwing frying pans.

"STOP IT! Is it my fault that I'm a total bum?!"

"...yes. You never do your work! YOU'RE THE WORST HUSBAND AN ARMSTRONG COULD ASK FOR!"

"Well sorry I don't fit into your little perfection club! I'm going out!"

"Bring something back home so I can feed the kids!" Armstrong said as Roy opened the door.

"Screw you and your naggy wife tendencies! I going to sleep up in the mountains because it's the smart thing to do!" Roy said as he slammed the door behind him.

"Mama? Where's daddy going?" May said as her younger brother, Selim, began to cry.

"He's going to be a douchebag! Now go to bed and take your demonic brother with you!"

-In the mountains-

"...snore...snore..." Roy...snored. Roy slept for the next twenty years and then realised something very important. He wouldn't have woken up if it weren't for that important thing. "HOLY CRAP! I'M GOING TO MISS THE SUPER BOWL!"

Roy ran home immediately.

"Hey...what's going on?" Roy said as he walked up to a nearby...woman?

"Oh! Hi...who are you? You seem kinda familiar...I'm Rebbeca!" Russel said as he looked at Roy, "...sorry, you're not my type."

"...uhhh...what year is it?"

"I don't know, but tonight I'm gunna party like it's 1999!"

"Okay...My name is Roy...Roy Mustang..."

"Oh...wait a minute...OH EM GEE! You're that guy who went missing and hasn't been seen for over 20 years! So, where've you been all this time?"

"...sleeping...do you know where my family lives?"

"Oh, they're still there...well...some of them are..."

Roy ran to his home and kicked the door open. "I'm sorry honey! i didn't mean to make fun of your naggy wife tendencies! Please forgive me! Oh, and could you change it to 43...and get me some nachos?"

"...dad?" An adult May said.

"Uh...May?"

"I HATE YOU!" May said as she stomped on Roy's foot and exited the house. A young man walked behind her.

"...Selim?"

"No, I'm May's boyfriend, my name is Unimportant Character #2!"

"...so where's Selim?"

"Oh...you mean Selim?"

"...yes...idiot..."

"He's...uh....ummmm...I think he's dead..."

"WHAT!? HOW DID HE DIE!" Roy said in all caps.

"Well he got in a fight with his mom. She said that he needed to grow some balls and become a true armstrong. So she stabbed him...and he died."

"So where's my wife?"

"...you mean your wife?"

"...yes..."

"Oh, she's going to be executed at...12:00...today."

"HOLY CRAP! I NEED TO TALK TO HER RIGHT NOW!" Roy said as he ran to the prison. When he got there he walked straight to his wife's cell.

"...Honey! I knew you weren't dead! I knew you'd return for me!"

"I have something to tell you..."

"Really? What is it!?" Armstrong said as he got ready for an apology.

"I hate you. Die."

"...WHAT?!"

"Have a nice day." Roy said as he left the prison and walked to a nearby women's bath so he could peep, because old pervs are a must in manga.

THE END~

**Okay, I understand that Rip Van Winkle isn't a fairy tale, but I felt like writing a parody...yeah...flame away! XD**


	15. The White Panties

**The White Knickers**

Yesterday, there lived a great king who was famed for being yesterday's king. Now this king heard everything because of his huge ears...and his Internet connection. The name of this king was Alecks Lewis Ahmstrawng. Now Ahmstrawng was a peculiar man. Everyday, after dinner, he'd order another meal. I KNOW, what a fatty! Anyways, nobody ever saw this meal. Not even the chef, because that's obviously possible. He had his most loyal servant, Sir Rin...or Lin...or ling...or who cares, It's Lin. Anyways, the king was the only who knew what the dish was because he always had it covered by the chef who prepared it...blindly I'm guessing, since they don't know what it is.

One day Lin was hungry, so he took the dish into his room. After Rin sat on his lazy boy he removed the cover from the dish. To his surprise he found...some lacy white panties.

"The king...eats...panties?" Ling said as he picked the 'meal' up, "I thought it was going to be something cool...oh well...maybe they taste good." So Ring stuffed the panties into his mouth and began to suck on them as if they were the sour patch kids he'd hoped were in the dish. After a few seconds of sucking on the panties, Lin began hearing little voices coming from his window.

"Oh no! I'VE SUDDENLY BECAME SCHIZOPHRENIC!" Ren yelled as he walked towards the window. As he looked out, he saw two sparrows...talking...like in one of those bad movies where dogs and cats talk.

Not much later, like three seconds after Len burst out, the king entered Lin's (okay I'll stop changing his name :D) room. "HEY YOU! My wifes' ring is missing and since you're my most loyal servant I'm obviously going to blame you, for my common sense has been passed down through the Ahmstrawng family for days and days! If you don't prove that I'm wrong then I'll have you beheaded, because this is a monarchy and you're guilty until proven guilty!"

"Wait...what? Don't you mean guilty until proven innocent?"

"Toodles!" Ahmstrawng said as he left the room without even noticing the panties that hang from Lins mouth.

Lin sat back down on his lazy boy and started sucking on the panties again. "...OH CRAP! I'M GUNNA DIE!?" Lin yelled...again. A few seconds later Lin ran outside...because that's the first place I'd look for a stolen ring. Lin found himself in front of two ducks, one was named Edouard Elrick and the other Alfonze Elrick. Lin knew this because he had the shinigami eyes.

"Seven minutes," Lin said as he looked at Edouard.

"What's that," Alfonze asked?

"Nothing," Lin said as he picked up Edouard by the neck, "Yoink."

"WHAT THE HECK!? LET GO OF ME!"

Lin walked to the royal chef. "Hey, I'm hungry. Cook this duck for me will ya?"

"You know I don't cook for anyone other than the king." The royal chef said.

"Oh, don't be like that Winre! I was only kidding! The kings sick, and the doctor said that fried duck is good for herpes."

"Oh well in that case consider it done," Winre said as she cut the ducks head off. After the blood stopped spewing, a ring emerged from the ducks throat.

"Yoink!" Lin said as he yoinked the ring up and ran off.

"...I feel like I just angered some fans," Winre said as she looked at the beheaded duck named Edouard.

Lin ran up to the king, "HEY! I found the ring!"

"Good, now give it to me."

"So, we're good right?"

"What are you talking about? The fact that you found the ring shows that you're obviously the thief!" Ahmstrawng said as he pulled out a bazooka. Lin ran away while dodging the explosives. A few seconds later he came across a horse named Envy...which he stole.

"HEY! GET OFF OF ME!" Envy yelled.

"No! I have to run away! I'll give you a nice reward if you help me!" Lin said to the horse, which is now described as green because it obviously should be that color.

"Umm...okay, you got me." Envy said as he took Lin to a pond.

"HEY! Why're you stopping here? Our destination is farther ahead?" Lin asked.

"Duuuuuuh, this is an important part of the plot, you know, it's like...important and stuff," Envy said as he threw Lin off of him.

A few seconds later Lin heard some fish singing for help, I mean screaming.

"HELP! HELP!" One fish named Fure said.

"Yoink" Lin said as he picked the fish up and threw them into the pond.

"THANK YOU FOR SAVING US!" Fure said, "SOMEHOW WE'LL RETURN THE FAVOR DESPITE THE FACT THAT WE'RE ONLY IN A POND!"

A few seconds later Envy stopped again.

"Not another plot device!" Lin complained.

"Yep"

"Hey you! What the hell are you doing?! You're stepin all over my kingdom!" An ant named Bradli said.

"Sorry 'bout that!" Lin said as he made Envy move about an inch to the right."

"Much better. Umm...I'm going to help you later, you insolent fool!"

"Yeah that's nice."

So once again-

"Plot device right?" Lin asked.

...yeah, there's...you know what. Why do I even bother. Why don't we skip this part. There are some baby ravens and they're hungry, so you kill the horse and feed it to them.

"Wait, WHAT?!" Envy yelled as Lin showed off his epique man muscles and proceeded to chop Envy's head off.

"YAY!" The two Ravens named Flechur and Russul proclaimed.

"Well there's enough food for one of you." Lin said.

"One? But there's enough for a whole flock of birds?" Russul said in as if he was asking a question.

"You don't get any. I don't like you. Nobody does. Die." Lin said as he continued on his way.

Eventually Lin came to a town. It was a beautiful town. A town with great beauty. It was a full town with beauty. The people were beautiful. The streets were beautiful. The town was beautiful...wait...didn't I already establish that it was beautiful? Anyways, Lin started wandering around when he found his way to the castle.

"Wow, I'm amazed that I didn't see this beautiful castle in the middle of this beautiful town!"

Lin walked into the castle and saw the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. She had full hair of a scarlet color, had eyes of the hue known as salmon, a bust so round that it should have been illegal, and a figure of a twig. She's why teenage girls "wanna be purdy". Her name was Meri Sew.

"Hello fair maiden! Would you like to have sex with me?" Lin asked Meri as he walked forward. A few seconds later, the father of Meri appeared.

"Eeeey fooo! Wathca think you doin? Huh? You think ya can jus' walk in here an' sweet talk mah baby girl? Is that whatchu think?" The king said.

"...yeah."

"Oh, well I'll tell ya what. If ya can pass mah test, then ya can marry her. See, Imma throw dis ring into that ocean ova there. An' you're gunna jump inta that ocean, and get the ring back. If ya don't get tha ring, den I'm gunna bust a cap in yo ass."

"...what if I decline the challenge?"

"Den I'll bust a cap in yo ass!" The king said as he pulled out his big, long, gigantic, extremely huge, long, thick, black, beefy gun.

"Ummm...I'll get the ring," Lin said as he jumped into the ocean. A few seconds after he walked to the edge of the beach, a fish appeared.

"HELLO! IT'S ME! THAT FISH THAT YOU HELPED EARLIER! HERE'S THE RING THAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR!" Fure said as he dove back into the water.

"...isn't he a fresh water fish? Oh who cares, here's your ring your ghettoness." Lin said as he handed the King the ring.

"Hmmm...well I'll be...I guess ya can have mah daughter as yo wife," The king said as Meri stood up.

"I object with big vocabulary words which I don't know how to use!"

"But, I just got you this ring."

"Pff, a Doctrinaire monkey brain diaphanous like you couldn't possibly be good enough for the sarcophagus known as me!" Meri said in a tone of arrogance.

"Ummm...I'm not very fluent in english," Lin began, "But that didn't make any sense at all."

"Do you want a fair flagitous such as me or not?"

"Umm...sure, I guess. A flagitous is something good right?"

"Okay, I've got a challenge for you," Meri said while disregarding Lin's question, "I want you to find the tree of life, and floccinaucinihilipilification me."

"Ummm..."

"MAKE ME IMMORTAL!" Meri yelled.

So now Lin walked around...aimlessly looking for this tree.

"Did we just skip several parts of the story?"

Yeah...so?

"Isn't that...cheating?"

OF COURSE NOT! The readers probably don't even know that the original name of this story is The white snake! Now back to the story.

A few seconds later Flechur appeared.

"Here's an apple from the tree of life!" Flecher said very happily, "I've been stalking you, and I wanted to help, and-"

"Wait...where's...uhhh...Russul?"

"I ate him."

"Oh...well thanks for the apple!" Lin said as he walked towards Meri.

"About time! You spent like twenty five seconds!"

Lin broke the apple in half and gave part of it to Meri. Then they both ate the apple.

"Taste like panties," Lin said.

"What?"

"Uh nothing."

So Lin and Meri got married and had a fairly disturbing relationship. About two years later Flechur appeared before Lin.

"You know that apple I gave you?"

"Yeah, you mean the apple of life?"

"Um, that was actually the apple of aids..."

"Wait WHAT?!"

"YOU HAVE AIDS LULZ!" Flechur said as he flew off.

~Fin~

**I started writing this at 2, and left off half way because I had to go visit my aunt. So all of my initial ideas were lost and I decided to skip some of the story. You only missed the test involving the ants. Anyways, FLAME AWAY!~**

**Wow...I started to reread this...I really need to proof read before uploading these chapters...  
**


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